Imanae Malik

http://imanae.co.uk/fullstory.html

There is a regular supply of news-items these days that compel every atom of your body to take some action at some level. This story is the sort that really makes you wonder how some people manage to get away with all of the things they do get away with.

Even with the help of any sorts of rational gymnastics to justify their acts, how do they proceed to live with themselves?

May God give Imanae's family and her parents the patience they require to overcome this tragic and very preventable loss of life. God knows there's really no amount of reasoning that will quell their questions, and Humanity's in general.

Allegation!

I want to know if anyone, absolutely anyone else caught Vettori with that tiny pot of Vaseline or lip balm that he dipped into before the 63rd over, applied some to his lips, took the ball from Bond, looked around, caught himself on screen and turned around to hide the view, ball and vaseline pot in hand.

My mother was watching the match too, and she was outraged. Pakistan were in a dominant position at the moment, and she was furious how Vettori could sink so low. And wouldn't you know it, the next thing Umar Akmal gets out on a reverse-swinging delivery after a very long stand with his elder brother. And the collapse started. And honestly, who is to suspect a Pakistani batting collapse, really?

I suddenly felt quite stupid -- I had been trying to convince my Mum before the wicket that there were too many cameras around and Vettori's not that reckless. I even went on to say it might have been legal to shine the ball this way, something I probably didn't know about, I told her. So right after the match, I caught my friend Hissan online -- someone I trust as authoritative on all matters cricket. According to him, it's not legal at all. He couldn't comment with said authority further on the matter, however, since he didn't catch it on his intermittent video-stream online.

Hissan suggests it may have been my "paranoia" that drew up the perception. My response is that we caught this while Pakistan were dominating the match, and not a post-hoc analysis of what happened.

I'm not sure this part of the match would make it to the highlights or any clips that may become available on YouTube. I'll keep looking, and post it if I find it.

Peace?

Obama! Give the Nobel back! Then they'll love you all the more for it and give it to you again.

Maps for Cloud Covers

Why can't Pakistani TV news channels provide satellite pictures in their weather reports? It is not a difficult task by any stretch and is crucial for an informative weather report. It's just a map. This would surely add more value to weather forecasts than maudlin music that changes with each province on the map.

Staying Alive

How many people--hell, even plants, farm animals, retired cricketers, fashion models and dead saints--does it take to figure out whether the country's most wanted man is dead or not?

Okay, the territory's most wanted man. Still.

You'd think with a fifteen million dollar price tag on his head, our country, its well-wishers, its conspirators, its enemies, and its holy saviors would be more careful, more knowledgeable. Or less dense. For once. Maybe even twice.

Where on earth is Baitullah Mehsud?

No, I don't believe he spontaneously raptured into heaven. I don't believe he has magical powers. I don't believe he is the bearded Transformer; I don't believe he morphed into a superhero after being bitten by a mosquito; and I don't believe he never existed. What I find harder to believe is that no one can confirm whether he is still dead or alive. I find it more perplexing than why Michael Jackson isn't buried yet. Mighty American drones zoned into his mudhut and blasted away his house, believing he was with his wife, his father-in-law, or receiving a routine rooftop dialysis in the dead of night (which ostensibly is the routine and seemly thing to do), and no one can confirm whether he is dead or alive.

Well?

Or more searchingly: So?

Is it really a difficult question? Really? Our ritalin-deprived media was quick to confirm that he was dead. Then reconfirm that he was alive. Then reconfirm the former, then the latter, then lose track of both the former and the latter and start over again. They found his face, his hands, his back, his hat, his curls, and connected them: this was Baitullah in pictures. Hence he was... dead, they added, as if proving an obvious theorem. Conspiracy theorists (whose science is perhaps our singular contribution to academic tradition) clapped their hands and did a jig in glee. Figuratively, fortunately. This wasnt even hard to be creative about: it was a nonsensical Godsend. America stepped in, news agencies raised their voices, Baitullah's Talibs roared in response. He is dead. He is alive. He was dead. He was alive. They plotted him in probability space. They pinned the tail on his donkey. Where IS he?

Then they found his mubarak torso. Convenient. His fifteen-million dollar head would have been unrecognizable, and therefore useless. Declarations of DNA testing against a brother. More jubilation. Then the Wild West sequels: shootouts at succession jirgas. I haven't seen the Matrix (I see Bm cringing), but I'm sure this would provide alot of spoof material. Hakeemullah, Wali-ur-Rehman and a band of other succesors killing each other in most execrable Lollywood fashion. Their successors living to tell the tale. Another band saying they're alive. They themselves coming back to life, doing a Lazarus, and haranguing the media. He's in hiding, they beamed, as if this was a brave and novel thing to do and be done. Baitullah, this-ullah, that-ullah, rasgulla - a free-for-all. Shades of 'I'm Spartacus' confused and gone horribly wrong. Ludicrous and, simply put, very stupid.

Fifteen million dollars. Just over an arab (obviously, because he's holy).

We put up with it. And wonder. Hai. Where is he, and where did the Indians put him?

What's going on? Is it so hard to figure out?

Then I heard Baitullah, his apparition, or Holy Spirit called up the BBC, saying, Hi, I'm alive. Not in those words, but you get the drift. He must be alive, because he said so.

I guess the next we should expect from the glorious cerebrum of Rehman Malik is: Baitullah called the Interior Ministry, and said that he's dead. So, case closed.

PS: My fellow blogger Bm is NOT Baitullah Mehsud.

Baitullah Mehsud is Dead.

It’s being announced all across the major news sources that Baitullah Mehsud and family were successfully targeted on Wednesday, and apparently the meeting of the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan leadership confirms this. While a new Mehsud is bound to take over the TTP leadership, I would like to think what this may mean for the campaign against the TTP, and the TTP itself.

A few armchair conjectures: it’s highly likely that the TTP may splinter. This would be especially probable if the TTP were run like a cult of personality, where the goals of the organization were synonymous with the goals of Baitullah Mehsud. Any differences between all of Baitullah Mehsud’s direct charges would surface, since it’s their chance to turn the TTP into their own personal vision. The deputies might not have agreed with Mehsud’s way of doing things, and his decision to have stayed at a house staked out by the Pakistani [and American] intelligence where Mehsud was known to visit would be autopsied by them. Fervent supporters would clash with pragmatists. Even so, there are chances that the TTP has a life of its own with  and the succession would be a mere ripple [but a ripple nonetheless], since their ends seem to lie beyond personalities. 

This is what it means for the Pakistani army/intelligence in such a scenario: for a successful follow-up to the assassination, it’s important to spot any rifts – even minor ones – within the group and capitalise on them.

While my armchair doesn’t give me much to investigate on the successor, the most likely suspects are within the Mehsud tribe, just like Baitullah took over from his father. Reports suggest Baitullah’s deputy Wali ur Rehman is being touted as a favourite to take over. Whether the other contenders feel it within themselves to contend is another matter which should be taken seriously as grounds for an offensive strategy by the Pakistani military and intelligence.

Really need to get this off

In order to get beyond the purgatory of trying to decide what to write, I have decided to focus on some empirical examples of the tragicomedy that Pakistan has become. I realize that this post may end up being more of a belated rant, but I would do anything to start writing again after a prolonged hiatus. It may also tend towards utter incoherency, but please bear with what follows.

I’m going to start off the top of my head, and recent weeks are a good place to look for instances of the mockery that Pakistaniat is fast becoming:

Last week we were treated to footage of a police officer getting beaten up [and I don’t mean just shoving or pushing] by three lawyers. Lawyers disrespecting law-enforcement. Only in a post-colonial state? Or only in Pakistan? The last two years have made Pakistan an extremely fertile ground for protests, but not necessarily civil ones. Anyone who wants to be perceived as cool needs to be – or it’s even enough to know – someone whose banner became the photograph accompanying headline news. Otherwise, you’re just apathetic and really don’t care for the future of this country as it goes to rot in the hands of those that the masses have voted in [while the evidently educated and cool people sipped the latest concoction of Java in the most happening ivory tower in town, and wished Imran Khan into office].

Of course, these masses – whatever they are – need to be educated about stuff like that. Therefore it’s important for every Pakistani who can afford it [both, time and social pretentiousness] to open an NGO to affect this "educational reform” that everyone (self-)important keeps talking about. The main purpose this NGO should serve is organizing fund-raising high-teas [high-teas are a whole other topic], concerts and beach parties towards the cause – or at least in the honour [sic] – of these poor, jahil masses. Nothing helps like a good social network that knows about your charity effort and can rely on you to throw the best bashes that serve the latest fad in finger foods [alliteration unintended].

[Aside: jahil conveys so much more than the word “uneducated” ever could, doesn’t it?]

The past two years have made the current Pakistani judiciary too adventurous for its own good. Which may be alright, considering the kind of hope that the masses [and the non-masses] have pinned on the hero of the hour, a man who – to borrow a phrase in part from my co-author – thinks he’s the protagonist in a Tom Clancy/John Grisham collaborative effort, which happens to be as bad a writing exercise as anyone would expect such a collaborative effort to be. The worrying bit is that the bad writing has translated into reality, with CJ Chaudhry now holding political clout, and doing more than the length of his laathi allows him.

I am so happy that the antics of His Honour, the Chief Justice of the Lahore High Court last week commanded such a boisterous audience. A high court CJ with his own jiyaalay. Stand-up comedians in Lahore should take their cue from this rather progressive judge, whose popularity must have only gone up as a result of his jalsa. A populist judge. Only in Pakistan?

[More to follow on this post soon.]